On October 17th, 2013 in Nashville, TN- I asked God to teach me the art of letting go. To show me that I can't be in control of it all, to learn to leave it in His hands.
I must have been feeling insanely brave that day.
In the last 12 weeks of my life, I have been given so many things, and then taught to let them go.
Some of you may know what I've been up too- others may have no clue. In the last three months, I have lived on the mission field in a city one over from mine, helping take care of four beautiful souls.
On November 9th, 2013, God led me into darkness. He took over my hands, my feet and my heart. In the middle of despair and heartbreak, He used my arms to hug and my mouth to speak life. And if you ask me to tell you details, or to explain to you what I did- I can't. Because I'm a weak little white girl with an autoimmune disorder. All I have is the Spirit of God in me, and a heart that wants to love as He loves. And the fact that He chose me, that He saw me as a vessel He could use, overwhelms me so much that I can barely type because I'm shaking so hard. And I can barely see, because the tears fill my eyes so quickly.
He held my hand and walked me straight into discord. He showed me just enough control, for me to see that I really had none. He placed the responsibility in my hands, to teach me that it's really all His. He allowed me to be one of the blessed souls, that helped fight for the freedom of three. He showed me how He can turn the evils of death and abuse into beautiful life that brings glory to Him.
My time in Nashville truly opened my eyes to the power of prayer- and without it, I wouldn't have made it through the last 12 weeks. The things I have seen and done, I would have never imagined being apart of. The bondage of souls that I witnessed at first- and the freedom that salvation brought to all three. Through strongholds, hate, unforgiveness and mental retardation- I have seen the power of Christ fight, and heal, and protect.
My heart has been twisted, kicked, emptied and shattered. It has ached and throbbed and mourned. I have felt helpless and tiny. I have sobbed and I have begged. I have laid on my face and prayed until my feet were numb and I didn't know what time it was. I have had to blindly let go. I have not been in control. And I wouldn't trade a second of it.
I would say that I've learned to love, but I know that even in the depth God has stretched my heart- it's still only a tiny piece of all He has yet to reveal to me.
But for now- at this time- it feels so huge. My heart feels so deep. And the fact that I am no where near grown to the potential He has for me, just blows my mind.
In the last couple weeks I have officially said "goodbye" to three of those beautiful souls. I know I will see them again someday, but they will never again be "mine" to feed, comfort or protect. The little bit of control I actually had, I have no more. I have left them at the foot of the cross, in the hands of our Savior. Because even though I am blind to His great plan, I know that the plans He has for them are to prosper them and not harm them(Jeremiah 29:11). I know without a shadow of a doubt that they are His now, and that He has insanely beautiful futures in store for them. I have witnessed Him comfort them when they were far beyond my reach, and for that- I will be eternally grateful.
As I prepare now to say "goodbye" to beautiful soul "number 4", and venture to India for 10 days- my heart is overflowing. The joy and peace that have been brought to me, I can not describe.
Psalms 139:10 "even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."
It was then that He carried me,
SaraKate
